this is going to be a long one since i cant sleep... :)

i cant sleep. my mind has been running since about 11pm. when my head hit the pillow, i knew it was going to be a long night. 

my nervousness comes in the sweet form of insomnia. i don't have that freak out, stress out, eat more, talk faster, have my heart racing kind of nervousness. just loss of sleep. i remember being 10 or so and having this same feeling of excited/nervousness. i was going to an amusement park with my best friend natasha the next day-- i was so excited, i couldn't sleep. i tossed and turned and moved about. i'm not sure if i was able to get any sleep that night. and i know tonight is one of those nights. and i'm sure in the upcoming days as the surgery date approaches, many sleepless nights will take hold of my mind. 

on a more positive note, however, this leaves me plenty of time to blog and prepare myself. i've already started a running list of question i need to ask the surgeon and my donor coordinator:

- can i continue taking my birth control and vitamins

- am i allowed to drink socially after the donation (i've heard mixed answers and would like an answer from a doctor)

- can i request a single room at the hospital

- are there any special diet regiments i need to be following

- is there going to be a change in my diet following the surgery

- how will parking work, do we get a pass

i'm sure over the next few days i will have more questions. i'm the type who asks a million questions. going back to my childhood again... i remember being in 9th grade math class with mr. mihevic (not sure if it is spelled that way, but it's pronounced mah-hee-vick) and we were learning algebra, i think. i was asking a million questions and my friend jenn was so mad at me. she kept passing me notes asking me not to ask so many question so we could get out early. but, that's the best way i learn. i ask a lot. and i learn a lot. 

but anyway... enough about my childhood :)

i received the most touching and inspiring e-mail today from my recipient's niece: 

Melissa,
I am so happy to be able to e-mail you…finally! I have posted a few anonymous comments on your blog, because I did not want to seem like I was an eavesdropping relative of Uncle ***’s…but I read a comment from my college friends on your blog and figured it was time to introduce myself!!
My name is Amy ******* and my Mom, Karen, is Uncle ****'s sister. He sent my Mom the blog and she forwarded it to me. I was utterly blown away! I read it with tears, joy, smiles, more tears and complete awe! We had been praying for Uncle****’s healing for years and then for a young, beautiful woman to enter in as an angel (I couldn’t resist!), well, I consider it a miracle! I thank you for posting all of your experiences and innermost feelings and I truly devour every word. I swear my heart skips a beat when I see a new post! I appreciate all of the insights as to why you are doing what you are doing, all of the medical details, and all of the good news (my heart goes out to you for all you have ALREADY gone through. The commuting time, the WAITING time, the pain suffered, the anticipation of each step…etc.)! When I saw that you wanted your blog shared, I immediately forwarded it to all of my close friends, but I was still unsure about getting in touch…but then I saw my friends letter….so here is my long overdue note!
My Mom, my sister and I all suffer from PKD. For my husband, having children wasn’t an issue, but I did have to stop myself and think that I could possibly pass the disease on to them. I actually did not know I had it until I tried to be a donor match for my Mom. I was a bit devastated, but I just hope that before I need a transplant they will develop a cure or a way to stop the cysts from growing. Or perhaps there will be a Melissa waiting for me!!
My Mom and Uncle **** were raised by my widowed Grandmother, as their father died when Uncle **** was a baby. I don’t know how my Grandma did it…working full time and not driving, but family and friends helped her as much as they could. She did a wonderful job raising two giving children and putting my Mom through college and sending her to Columbia for her masters! She was such an inspiration to me and I found myself comparing her to your halmoney (one of my close friends is Korean and I recognized the name immediately), who inspired you to do the unthinkable…donate a kidney to a stranger!! I can’t even imagine the devastation in finding out that she had incurable cancer, but I can relate to the utter despair of losing a grandparent. But it is obvious that her spirit is alive and well within you!
My Mom is my best friend in the world…next to my sister! She was the most fabulous Mom and there was NOTHING she wouldn’t do for her girls. As we got older, the one thing she most looked forward to was having Grandchildren. Her kidneys were failing and she was very afraid of missing that opportunity. Well, her miracle kidney came 3 weeks before my sister had her son and about one month before I had my daughter. (A funny note: our older kids are 12 days apart and our younger kids are 9 days apart!). When I got the call in the middle of the night, I figured my sister had gone into labor early…I never imagined it would be my Mom saying they had a kidney. But what a blessing to have her recovering with a new baby. She and my daughter napped together a lot!
So I guess the reason that I rambled on for so long is to say that my family is my life and it obviously sounds like your family means just as much to you. To think that your parents reacted so lovingly and generously in order to allow their little girl to follow her heart…what an inspiration they are! I was waiting with baited breath for their reaction to the news. Some of Uncle ****’s other potential donors were turned down at the psychology evaluation because they did not tell their families….and the fact that your parents supported you and encouraged you on this brave and courageous journey…well, they a big part of why my Uncle’s life is being saved too! Your parents raised the most compassionate and loving daughter one could hope for. They must be so very proud of you…as are we all! You are all an inspiration to me and my family.
I just want you to know that you have been in my constant prayers since I have learned your name. I will continue to pray for you up to, during and after the surgery. My husband and I actually just planned to visit Uncle **** a few weeks ago and figured it would be before his surgery…and thanks to YOU, it will be AFTER his “second birthday”, as he calls it. I just pray that you will feel as little pain as possible, that everything will go so smoothly, that the doctors will treat you gently and bring the absolute BEST of their abilities with them on the day of surgery. May you return home to the loving arms of your parents and friends and feel better than you thought possible. And I pray that for the rest of your life, you will feel incredible joy…the same way you make our family feel every day.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Melissa!! And God Bless you!! Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help…anything at all!
Wow! I apologize that this note was so lengthy, but I think suppose waited a bit too long to write it!
Humbly and gratefully,
Amy *********

i think this e-mail is particularly important because it simply goes to show that i am not only touching and changing one man's life--but i am touching and changing all the lives that he touches and changes (lots of touching and changing going on here, haha). i have to admit, i am truly honored and grateful to be a part of this wonderful experience. 

to be completely honest, i am not entirely sure i ever was able to explain in words why i am doing this surgery. i am not sure if there are words to describe my feelings. but i'll try my best:

my family means more than anything to me. i have always felt loved, cared for, secure, content, inspired and grateful for the family i was given. i honestly tell everyone that i think i have the best parents in the whole world. and i do not hesitate to tell my parents everyday how much i appreciate them. i call them and send them cards and little gifts regularly. i just sent my mom flowers to say i love you the other day actually. i don't do it for praise or recognition, i do it because i don't think we take enough time in our daily lives to really, truly appreciate loved ones who love us back unconditionally. so, i am making a conscious effort to say i love you and i appreciate you to all those who mean so much to me-- and i want to give back some of the love i've received. (i almost want to cry writing this, haha). i have made many mistakes in my life, but my parents have simply helped me with my mistakes and troubles and then encouraged me to push forward in my dreams to make them successes. i am so lucky for what i have, what i have experienced and what i have yet to see in my future. my parents raised me in a very honest household. i knew about every triumph and struggle my family faced, and i think it made me a stronger, better person. i know what it is like to work hard and lose out. but i also know what it is like to work hard and succeed. my mom and halmoney always taught me the concept of what goes around, comes around. i believe in karma. i believe that good things happen to good people. and i believe in giving those surrounded by despair, anger and grief the benefit of the doubt, lend a helping hand and assist in turning their lives around so they can go and do the same. when it comes down to it, this world is simply made up of people. where does backstabbing and climbing over each other to get to the top get us? it leaves us with angry and hurt people and only a few happy, greedy ones. i sound like a child out of the 60's, but can't we all just make love, not war? haha, seriously though. why is it that we can't lend a helping hand along the way? are we that selfish? i am helping in an extreme manner, but YOU can do things to help too. someone on facebook said she donated her hair and didn't think it meant much! i beg to differ! could you imagine being a little 6 year old girl who had gone through chemo and had no hair left from the excruciating treatments? it would mean SO MUCH to get that wig and be "normal" again. that hair donation probably meant the world to some little girl and her family. 

i think this donation, overall, is a small step to show others that there are things we can do to make changes and give back what we have received. and it only takes one person to lead the way. i hope that you follow me on this path and make a change in your life to reach out to others. volunteer. donate. give. love. and receive love back. 

i am more confident than ever about my donation. and i think i can sleep now :)